If you were a Katie Melua lyric...

I'd dump you...

As if Nine Million Bicycles wasn't bad enough: "There are nine million bicycles in Beijing/That's a fact/It's a thing we can't deny/Like the fact that I will love you till I die", Katie Melua has trumped herself with this stinker. I wouldn't really mention it but if you live in the UK, there's no escape. The TV advertising for the new album features the last single Sailboat. And it's the second line below which earns my biggest guffaw; especially as she pauses after "nail you". Here are the verses in their full awfulness...

"If you were a cowboy I would trail you,
If you were a piece of wood I'd nail you to the floor.
If you were a sail boat I would sail you to the shore.
If you were a river I would swim you,
If you were a house I would live in you all my days.
If you're a preacher I'd begin to change my ways.

If I was in jail I know you'd spring me
If I was a telephone you'd ring me all day long
If I was in pain I know you'd sing me soothing songs.

If I was hungry you would feed me
If I was in darkness you would lead me to the light
If I was a book I know you'd read me every night"

If I was Katie Melua I'd laugh all the way to the bank.

Hahahahahaha.